the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
