Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
