fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
