I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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