woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
