My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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