i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
