the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
