it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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