She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize