I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
