I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
