So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
