2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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