Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize