My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
