He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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