I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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