considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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