he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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