So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
