Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
