OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
