At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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