You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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