your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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