we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
