I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
