I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
