So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
