I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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