she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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