At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he puts the penis in happiness.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
