Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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