rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
