did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
