I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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