I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
