you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
