There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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