I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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