this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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