Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
