Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
