I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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