Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
