I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
