i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
People in love make me want to vomit
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
