A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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