on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
