he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
