My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
