Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
