I smell stomach acid.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
