I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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