I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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