My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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